The Whole Spectacle of the End of the Semester

It's the end of the semester. Yeaaaay..

The ending of this semester gives me an odd mixed feeling. I feel relieved but also incredulous at the same time. I mean.. do I really get through the whole spectacle unharmed? well.. maybe just a little, at least emotionally.

There are so many things that I'd like to write, but somehow things are really complicated and I don't think I will be able to untangle everything right now. I mean.. being an English teacher itself is very challenging. So I spent a lot of energy to survive the whole semester. Not to mention my private life that has gone to an unexpected extend. Does that even make any sense?

A lot of things happened in the past 2 months. And I still couldn't believe myself that things are going this way. I finished my report, the events at school, and I met someone that surprisingly seems pretty much compatible with me in a way or two. Things are escalated quickly. And I don't know how it will end, although I hope somehow it will have a happy ending.

But again, I've been practicing self control for the past 2 years. I won't let myself feeling too much or building hope too much before I'm sure that it is safe for me to do so. Before I'm sure that the other party is reciprocating, in my own term. Is it selfish? For someone that had been hurt badly, I surely hope it is not. Protecting your heart from another wound is necessary. Hopefully the other party understands and patients enough to deal with all of the baggage that I bring.

It's the end of the semester, and it's almost the end of the year. I am grateful.

What affect you most in life?

It's amazing, how a certain feeling or a certain memory could affect your whole preferences in life.

Just last year, my playlist was full of desperate and heartbreak songs. Now it's full of desperate but hopeful songs. Hahahaha.

Point is, people change. We all are. No matter how small, the change will happen, for better or worse. Me? I think I changed a little bit for both side.

This one particular song that I currently very fond of is Beautiful Things by Tori Kelly. I adore her since years ago. But never really pay attention to her other songs that is not quite mainstream popular. But somehow I stumbled upon this one on Youtube and still can't get it out of my head.

The music is great, just the sound of Tori singing with an acoustic guitar (Yes, she is that talented). The melody sounds like a nice lullaby without Tori trying too hard to show her singing talent. If you know what I mean. She's not performing, she's expressing her feelings.

Just like the tittle, the lyric is beautiful. No promises made, no pressure about it, just about someone's feeling towards a particular person. Just an adequate mount of fear, anxiety and hope which is very much acceptable for most human. And it's rather comforting, not suffocating at all but feels liberating instead.

Since I used to be very emotional and very bad at processing feelings, the song give me this peaceful and content vibe that I rarely got before.

I'd been afraid
I'd been away too long
Every city whispering your name

Won't ask you to wait
But darling when I get home
I'm hoping that you might still feel the same

If you go, I think I'd understand
It's not that easy holding my hand
But you should know, that I miss you all the time
And I wish that I could tell you that we'll be alright
But I can't be where you are tonight

I only dream beautiful things about you
So waking up always seems to hurt
And I hate goodbyes

But I will try to make them work
If you choose to break my heart when I return
If you go, I think I'd understand
It's not that easy holding my hand
But you should know, that I miss you all the time

I wonder..

It was never felt this way before.

I wonder.

All the feelings that I've ever known before. Are they real?
It was so different. There is no such thing as odd feeling that used to hit me hard like before.
Was it the person that completely different? Was it my heart that already grow beyond its limit?

I wonder..

I can't even remember when it started. The feeling is growing.. expanding..

I wonder, will I ever survive?

I don't know where this story lead. All I know is that I'm grateful to be able to feel joy again. From a simple joke that could entirely shake my core. For a genuine smile that brings me warm. For a simple touch that makes me long for time to stop. For certain moment that takes my breath away.

And for days full of hope..

I wonder..

Will it have a happy ending after all?

The Best Joke in My life

So, this is my real life story. It happened when I was a freshman in this chemical analyst high school in Bogor. We had this Basic Chemist Lab Subject. We learn in an actual lab that designed to give us real life experience of how a lab should be. We were stationed in a long table that has drawers and shelf for lab equipment and there is a chair for us to sit.

So one day we practiced using volumetric pipette. It's a pipette that has really high accuracy. We need to make sure that the liquid we sucked to the pipette reach the line to get the high accuracy. We did it while standing, but since it was tiring, we decided to sit.

My teacher came through the door, she saw some children sit and she was like, "No one sit. Do it while standing. You need to handle the pipette straight.", so we stand.

She went out again. Later she came again and she was mad, "What did I told you, kids! Do it while standing. You are practicing."

And we just dumbfounded. We were looking to our left and right to see who's sitting now? Cause we couldn't really see the children who sit in the other table since there are racks of bottle and such, we could only see their upper body.

And my teacher gets angrier.

"What are you.. Yes.. yes.. you, black veil.. didn't I tell you to stand up. Don't look around like an innocent. I'm speaking to you."

The one with the black veil is me. I automatically look into my feet, just to make sure that I'm actually standing up. The whole class broke down into hysterical laugh. Until my partner next to me said.. "Bu Iceu, you are so mean. SHE IS STANDING."

And the class broke into another hysterical laugh because Bu Iceu's face turned red and she goes, "Oh my God, I'm sorry.. I really am sorry.. "

At least I made the whole class had a good laugh twice by doing nothing that day. hahaha

Just a Regular Dose of My Almost Midnight Whine

Apparently, writing is not as easy as I think it is. Duh.

I mean, last time I wrote was November last year. Now it's September, so it means I ignored the blog for like, what, 10 months? (Practically another year, but let's not go that far).

I'm seriously thinking of writing a novel. Honestly I've been reading some books lately. Mostly Urban Fantasy or just Fantasy. They are really fun to read by the way. I mean I could spend my weekend doing nothing except glued to my phone cause some ebooks that I couldn't stop to read. Every time I get to read a good book, I always feel excited. Like I really am a part of that story, or maybe just being a watcher. And it doesn't matter. I mean I really like engaging stories. Where I could be awed, sad, happy, etc by a mere book.

A few months back, I really into Magic Bites series by Ilona Andrews. I really love that series. there are 10 of them, but I seriously fond of the first four. The rest, well I could manage to finish them anyway. But honestly I'm not as excited as when I read the first four book. But yea, those are good books. The main character is a bad ass woman full with incredible knowledge, amazing heritage, surrounding with good friends and a great deal sense of humor. I mostly stick to the book for that last treat.

Maybe I should start by writing reviews rather than making an actual story. Cause it's hard. Like soooo hard to start writing a story. What am I gonna write anyway? see? my brain is just blank when it comes to brand new ideas to create something. But put your dreams as high as the sky right? 

Alright, then. Deal. I'll start by writing reviews first. But not today, obviously. It's sunday night, I need to get my beauty sleep and be ready for all the obligations I need to fulfill at my workplace. I'll tell you more about that later. (always this later word. I am so lazy I can't help it).

Bye!